I miss partying. I must say that at this point I crave for party like an alcoholic craves for a glass of whisky. I'm not a party addict, but It's been 6 months since the last time I went out and had fun. And that time wasn't even as fun as I had hoped because I went out with my sister. So, I had to hold myself back a bit. As an older sister, I feel the need to maintain a certain image, you know.
It would have broken my mom's heart if she had known that I partied almost every week when I was expected to be studying hard to obtain my master in England. My dad would have locked me up in my room if he had seen what I was like when I was in a club. To be honest, I feel kinda guilty every time I hit the town because I know my parents don't really approve of it. They raised me well enough to be a dutiful daughter and have some sense of responsibility. In Thai culture, a good girl is supposed to be graceful, meek, proper, and soft spoken. She doesn't drink, nor smoke. She goes home at sunset and remains there until sunrise. An ideal good Thai girl won't be caught dead in a bar with Jager Bomb in her hand. Nope, that will never happen. On weekends, if she lives not too far from her parents, she visits them every weekend to spend some family time together. If she doesn't, she will try to visit them as often as she can anyway.
As for me, you know what I'll say, right? That's right. I'm pretty much 180 to the girl mentioned above. The only thing we have in common is that the ideal girl and I don't smoke. I love party, or I love to be among people I feel comfortable with at least. I love dancing to club music and the tipsy feeling alcohol gives me. Of course, it's a bonus if I have a good-looking guy as my dance partner, but I don't really care to hook up in a club anyway. I'd rather dance my night away and have a great time with a bunch of friends. So, forget about the meek and proper Jane. I can never hold that image for more than two hours. I'm loud, clumsy, and cheerful. Nothing gets me going like a good beat with good friends and alcohol.
However, since I came back from England, I haven't had much luck with party. Surprising, huh? I'm sure you want to know why. How can I not find a fun party when I live in Bangkok where nightlife is ever animated Mon-Sun? Well, finding a party or a fun event is not a problem. The problem is finding the party group which I feel comfortable partying with. After spending time abroad in a few countries, I notice that Thai people in a party are quite, hmm...how should I put it?..., stiff and awkward comparing to Western people. I don't know where exactly to put my finger on. I just feel it. It's in the way they all act in a club or bar scene. It's in the way they dance. Most of them seem to party halfheartedly. I don't like that. I want to go all out. It's all or nothing. Okay, there are people who like to be mellow. I get that. I like to do that sometimes but not most of the time.
The worst part is they make feel awkward and out of place. In my younger years, I went out with my Thai folks from time to time. To be honest, I never felt comfortable around them. I had a feeling that I would be judged from everything I did. The most vivid memory was when I was in USA for a 3-month job during my school vacation along with several Thai students. There was a casual party among employees, and almost everyone was there. I was there, doing my own thing, dancing, and being friendly to people. I didn't realize until a couple weeks later that I brought myself a bad name among Thais working at that place. Apparently, they took my way of dancing and being friendly to people other than Thais as being flirtatious and seeking attention. Well, that description was too polite. According to my good friend who happened to join the Work program with me, they branded me something close to a slut. It got worse when I had a few guys there showing interest in me and I in them. That was when I was known among them as a slut. Oh well, what can I say? I'm attracted to Caucasian males, and I got carried away by all the attention they gave me. Yeah, I was very naive back then. To make a long story short, I always feel like an outsider in my own surrounding, but I feel that I can act more like myself when I'm with foreigners.
This is why it's quite difficult for me to party in Bangkok. The expats here usually group together. That gives out the mix feeling to me also. I feel more comfortable around them, but at the same time,I know I don't really belong. I guess I just haven't found the group that makes me feel accepted yet. Maybe I need to put more effort in seeking. You'll never know. I might get lucky soon.
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