Almost Had It

I have a confession to make: after partying hard on Halloween, I skipped work on Friday to catch up some sleep. Not shocking? Okay...whatever then. For me, this is a big step as I never skipped work because of partying before. This means I just chose pleasure over responsibility. It is not good. Wait...I'm trying to be bad, aren't I? Maybe, I could call this a progress?

Another confession: I blew my chance of getting laid with a cute guy. At this point, my pride is hurt, my self-confidence plunged, and all I want to do is locking myself in my room for a week. I bet this get you interested a bit now, right? This actually happened weeks ago, but I still feel a bit traumatized. I've never been good at dealing with rejection. Especially, ones that I gather courage to make a bold move.

So, several weeks ago, I met a cute European guy. Christopher or Chris is the name. We met randomly at a business party of my friend, Edward who is one of a few friends still living in Bangkok. Edward and I don't really know each other well. I think the only reason he knows who I am because I used to have casual relationship with his close friend (I shall name him later at a more appropriate time) Chris and I happened to sit at the same table across each other. Since I didn't really know anybody there other than Edward, I just greeted everyone and try to be as friendly as possible. We ended up having a long talk and it turned out that he just moved to Bangkok. He didn't really know Edward but was invited by one of his acquaintances. He came with a friend, Lisa who just moved here also. The three of us seemed to get along pretty well, so we exchanged contacts before I left.

Since then, I was invited to hang out with him and other people we knew (he later got along really well with Emilie and Charlotte.) He was just a typical European guy who seemed pretty friendly and laid-back. I kinda liked him. I thought he was kind cute and stuff. There was nothing special going on between us until one typical Saturday morning 5 am, after I danced so much that my back sore and my feet hurt. We were the last two survivors of the clan, stepping out of the club.

"So you're going home, right?" I asked.
"Probably," he said, "How about you?"
"Yeah, I'm going home. I can't go on like this anymore. My feet are killing me."

We walked to the main street, hoping to get cabs that wouldn't overcharge us, but 5 am. in Bangkok, in front of a club? It was like asking for God's miracle. Chris seemed a bit uneasy. It was like he wanted to say something. I gave him a curious look.

"Are you okay?"
"Well...," he said, "I've actually been wanted to do this." He, then, pulled me close to him and kissed me.

To be honest, I wasn't surprised, nor was I expecting this. I liked him and was a bit too drunk and too tired to care. I kissed him back and enjoyed it. However, the moment was cut short as those annoying taxi drivers kept interrupting us, wanting to know where we wanted to go. Seriously, these people had no manner. If I wanted to use your service, I would tell you. Damn it!

Chris tried to continue the kiss, but I felt too awkward now that a couple dumpass taxi drivers were only a meter behind us, still asking, "Taxi? Where you want to go?"

Chris held my face and asked, "Do you want to come with me?"
Damn. A tough question. Did I want to go? Of course. I would be lying if I said otherwise. I could totally feel it "down there."
But...I had to bite my tongue and told him, "Erm...I would love to, but I can't"
He grabbed my waist and pulled me close. I could hear him breathe in my ear. "Come on, are you sure?"
Heck, if this were to happen 2 years before, I would be have been memorized and naked in his bed in a flash. No, not this time though. I was tired. I was drunk. and I was sleepy. If I went with him, I would end up having a crappy sex. Really, what was the point?.
"No," I said, "I'm tired and I'm sleepy."
I could see a flash of annoyance in his face. "Okay. It either felt good or it didn't. Are you really sure you don't want to come home with me?"
God...I began to feel a bit guilty. Well, a girl had to do what she had to do. "It felt good, but I can't go with you this time"
"All right," he said, kissing my cheek. "Have a good night then"

Then, we went seperate way. Something told me that he wouldn't ask again, and I was right. Since that day, Chris kept his distance from me. We would still meet among other people, but he wasn't as warm and friendly as he used to be.

Some men just can't deal with rejection. You know what I mean, right? Well, it wasn't actually a rejection. I did imply that I was interested. If he asks me another time, I would go with him. It's unfortunate that he doesn't want to give himself a second chance.

This incident brings up the question that I long forgot: "Aren't I worth it?" Really, is it too much to show some effort? Oh well, I guess my loveless and sexless life continues.


       

The Arrival of Party Crew

I did it. I went out and had fun. It eventually happened! I guess God or whoever above finally answered to my prayer and send me a party crew. Last Saturday, my office held a bowling tornament and allowed employees to bring friends or family member along. So, I decided to invite two French girls, Emilie and Charlotte to come with me. I met them randomly a while back in a networking event. Please don't ask me why I don't put more effort in getting along with my Thai friends or co-workers. Been there, done that, got tired of it. This is not to say that I shun my own people. This only means I accept the fact that I somehow don't fit in, and it would be better to be myself and get along where there is mutual interest without loosing sight of who I am. I do have several very good friends who are Thai. It just so happens that they either live far from Bangkok or live abroad. My close friends are just like me; they crave adventure. I'm happy for them, but it kinda sucks when you only get to communicate with them via phone, Skype, FB or e-mail. Hey, when I spent my time abroad they probably thought the same thing, so it's theirs turn now. I'll just have to deal with it.

Anyway, back to the bowling tournament. If I want to brag about something, it is definitely not about how good I am at sport. However, if I really want to brag about something sport related, I could say I take pride in sucking sport...haha...The rule of the tournament was simple. Each team had three members, played theree games, and the team with the highest score won. E and C were pretty good eventhough they told me they hadn't play bowling for a long time. I, on the other hand, really sucked so badly. I managed to make one stikes among a dozen gutter balls, but that was it. E and C were so supportive the whole time that I felt bad. After we finished the game, my total score was only 88, while E got 218 and C got 243. My team got the lowest team score due to my...er...inability to play well. I was secretly embarrassed but tried to laughed it off. I mean the whole point of this tournament was for everyone to have fun, so I should have fun too. Besides, E and C kept reassuring me not to think too much about it. Well, I still wished I played better than this though.

I guess God might have pitied me because it turned out that my office prepared three cute stuff animals as a surpise for the team that had the lowest score. That was surprising indeed. Each of us got a cute doll. E got a horse, C hot a dog, and I got a teddy bear. That was quite lucky, wasn't it?

After bowling, E and C needed to do some shopping for their halloween costumes, so I volunteered to accompany them. We went to Siam Paragon, shopping and chatting. To me, E and C seem like very cool girls, and their French accent is so charming (hey, I can't help it!)

Last Saturday was probaly the most action-filled day I have ever had in a long while. Once we were done shopping, they said they didn't have any particular plan in the evening, and E suggested that we went to a karaoke. Of course, I didn't turn down. A fun opportunity like this didn't happen to me very often. So, we agreed to meet up again at 9 pm. E and C would bring another friend along to add to the troop.

What happened after that seemed to blend together as the night went by. We sang, we danced, and we drank. We sponteneously ended up in a new night club that was just open not too long ago (according to E and C). I realized that these expats know the night life of Bangkok way better than I do. I hope I can form a solid friendship with E and C. It's gonna be tons of fun weekends from now on.

    

Craving for Party

I miss partying. I must say that at this point I crave for party like an alcoholic craves for a glass of whisky. I'm not a party addict, but It's been 6 months since the last time I went out and had fun. And that time wasn't even as fun as I had hoped because I went out with my sister. So, I had to hold myself back a bit. As an older sister, I feel the need to maintain a certain image, you know.

It would have broken my mom's heart if she had known that I partied almost every week when I was expected to be studying hard to obtain my master in England. My dad would have locked me up in my room if he had seen what I was like when I was in a club. To be honest, I feel kinda guilty every time I hit the town because I know my parents don't really approve of it. They raised me well enough to be a dutiful daughter and have some sense of responsibility. In Thai culture, a good girl is supposed to be graceful, meek, proper, and soft spoken. She doesn't drink, nor smoke. She goes home at sunset and remains there until sunrise. An ideal good Thai girl won't be caught dead in a bar with Jager Bomb in her hand. Nope, that will never happen. On weekends, if she lives not too far from her parents, she visits them every weekend to spend some family time together. If she doesn't, she will try to visit them as often as she can anyway.     

As for me, you know what I'll say, right? That's right. I'm pretty much 180 to the girl mentioned above. The only thing we have in common is that the ideal girl and I don't smoke. I love party, or I love to be among people I feel comfortable with at least. I love dancing to club music and the tipsy feeling alcohol gives me. Of course, it's a bonus if I have a good-looking guy as my dance partner, but I don't really care to hook up in a club anyway. I'd rather dance my night away and have a great time with a bunch of friends. So, forget about the meek and proper Jane. I can never hold that image for more than two hours. I'm loud, clumsy, and cheerful. Nothing gets me going like a good beat with good friends and alcohol.

However, since I came back from England, I haven't had much luck with party. Surprising, huh? I'm sure you want to know why. How can I not find a fun party when I live in Bangkok where nightlife is ever animated Mon-Sun? Well, finding a party or a fun event is not a problem. The problem is finding the party group which I feel comfortable partying with. After spending time abroad in a few countries, I notice that Thai people in a party are quite, hmm...how should I put it?..., stiff and awkward comparing to Western people. I don't know where exactly to put my finger on. I just feel it. It's in the way they all act in a club or bar scene. It's in the way they dance. Most of them seem to party halfheartedly. I don't like that. I want to go all out. It's all or nothing. Okay, there are people who like to be mellow. I get that. I like to do that sometimes but not most of the time.

The worst part is they make feel awkward and out of place. In my younger years, I went out with my Thai folks from time to time. To be honest, I never felt comfortable around them. I had a feeling that I would be judged from everything I did. The most vivid memory was when I was in USA for a 3-month job during my school vacation along with several Thai students. There was a casual party among employees, and almost everyone was there. I was there, doing my own thing, dancing, and being friendly to people. I didn't realize until a couple weeks later that I brought myself a bad name among Thais working at that place. Apparently, they took my way of dancing and being friendly to people other than Thais as being flirtatious and seeking attention. Well, that description was too polite. According to my good friend who happened to join the Work program with me, they branded me something close to a slut. It got worse when I had a few guys there showing interest in me and I in them. That was when I was known among them as a slut. Oh well, what can I say? I'm attracted to Caucasian males, and I got carried away by all the attention they gave me. Yeah, I was very naive back then. To make a long story short, I always feel like an outsider in my own surrounding, but I feel that I can act more like myself when I'm with foreigners.

This is why it's quite difficult for me to party in Bangkok. The expats here usually group together. That gives out the mix feeling to me also. I feel more comfortable around them, but at the same time,I know I don't really belong. I guess I just haven't found the group that makes me feel accepted yet. Maybe I need to put more effort in seeking. You'll never know. I might get lucky soon.



 

First Rant of the Month

Call me mean, call me vain, call me bitchy, call me picky, or call me whatever you want, but I've had enough of being approached by old Western men. Gosh...I don't want to generalize, but it's getting harder and harder not to look at them with something negative in my mind.

The thing is I just went to a social gathering at some hotel on Sukhumvit the other day. It was like a business/social event for expats and (some) locals to meet and exchange contacts. You know, networking stuff. I've been to these events several times out of boredom, in hope to meet decent people outside the working atmosphere. Bangkok is a huge city which sometimes get so huge that it makes me feel lonely, so I need to go out and have interaction with somebody.

In the past, whenever I was approached by unwanted men, I had Dave, Mark, or some other friends to shield me out. In the worst case scenario, I just excused myself to the ladies' room and sneaked out of their sights. Well, those days are gone. Due to unforeseen reasons, I no longer hang out with that group of friends (including Dave and Mark sadly, but for the best). After I came back from abroad last year, I'm back in the city with only few friends left in Bangkok. This leads me having to force myself to go out and try to expand my social network. I'm left to fend on my own and the worst case scenario has changed to which I reluctantly give away my number and hope that they will never call. Well, some of them did call though (thank God that there are very very few.). When this happened, I just told them that I was too busy to meet them. They took the hint and disappeared. However, after having to undergo the worst case scenario several times, I' m getting fed up. I always go out of my way to let someone, even a stranger, down gently. I don't want to do that anymore.

Now, back to the networking on Sukhumvit, I was there and went straight to the bar for a glass of drink, so I wouldn't look awkward. an old white guy, short, probably in his late 50's, appeared next to me from nowhere and chatted me up. He asked me if I was Thai and other general questions and told me about himself. I just conversed with him and was just being friendly and all, until he asked me that damn question.

Him: So, are you married?
Me: No. (fuck! I just know what this about to lead to.)
Him: Boyfriend?
Me: No, I don't have a boyfriend.
Him: Ahh, you see, when I see a beautiful and talented girl like you still single, I always wonder what could have happened. Is your standard too high? You know, he's not handsome enough, not tall enough, or not rich enough, that kind of stuff. You may be very picky. I just don't know.

At this point, the scenario of all the past advances from all the unwanted guys popped up in my head. It was just so obvious what he wanted from me. I could just feel it. Then I thought to myself, 'Do I really have to deal with this uneasy situation again?'

Me: (it's actually none of your fucking business, but okay, I'll give you benefit of doubts) Hahaha...well, you could say that I'm very picky. I do believe that I have the rights to choose what is best for me. Like you say that I'm beautiful and talented, I think I should look for someone suitable for me. (Yeah, I sound very vain and arrogant. How do you like me now? Huh?)
Him: Yes, that's true. Er...so...do you have a business card?
Me: No, I don't, unfortunately. (well, gladly)
Him: Well, what about phone number? A way I could contact you?
Me: Err...may I ask what purpose you want it for?
Him: Well, maybe we could meet for lunch or dinner.
Me: (You know what? I've had enough. I'm not going to let myself go through this crap anymore.) No, I don't want to. I'm really sorry to be frank.

And I gave him a bright apologetic smile that had a hint of fucking-leave-me-alone-already message. He would have to be a hardcore pushover if he tried to talk to me after that. He nodded his head and walked away. I watched as he disappeared in the crowd at the other side of the room. I felt a bit guilty. I felt sorry for him. It wasn't very nice of me to turn him down like that. I know he was just lonely and wanted to have someone to keep him company. But, please, he is as old as my freaking dad, if not older. There are girls out there that are into much much older guys, but definitely not me.

Really, these men disgust me. They have been living their life, doing whatever the heck they want to do, and enjoying being bachelors for years. Now, when they are all frail and full of wrinkles, they realize that they are all alone with money to spend but no one to care for them. So, they hope to use their status as a wealthy white men in a third world country to attract women. It also can't be just any woman. What they want is young lovers half of their age who can boost up their falling ego. I know I shouldn't judge them as one has the rights to choose how to live one's life. I can't help it though. It annoys me to see a white man walking with a Thai woman as young as his daughter. They both disgust me -- the old man for being a sleazy old geezer and the woman for being a money hungry bitch. Let's face it. Although cross-generation marriage that happens out of mutual love and understanding does exit from time to time, I'm pretty sure that 80-90 percent of them is not the case.

Gosh...look at what I just wrote. I'm not actually turning a bit bad (as in a bad person) without realizing it, am I?

New Beginning (Again??)

Okay, it's been 4 years since I stated this blog, and there's not much in it. The last entry with any substance at all was dated back some time in July 2010. Three years! Three freaking years passed without any drastic change I had hoped for. I'm still stuck in Thailand doing a boring office job day in and day out. Okay, working in one of the biggest international bodies is a great opportunity that doesn't happen to everyone, but there's something missing. I'm not sure exactly what it is, and, damn, I'm dying to find out. The thing is I don't know where to begin. If this blog is a novel, it is definitely one of those typical drama-comedy stories that the leading character is a confused and annoying girl wanting to find a purpose in her life or making her dream come true, or some sort. Usually, stories in this genre end happily, right? Well, I still can't see what kind of my ending would be. Realistically speaking, it only ends when you die. Kinda depressing, isn't it?

But I don't want to be depressed. Being depressed is not healthy. Being depressed is so not cool. So, I need to get rid of this restless feeling somehow. After doing some soul searching and stuff, I came up with a hypothesis. The sources of my restlessness and frustration are probably the lack of excitement and my inability to turn my life the way I want it to be. I realize that my heart craves some kind of adventures and new experiences, and there is a part of me wants to go crazy and breaks free. And I guess that part of me is the bad part. I mean there are so many things I want to bitch it out or do something harsh to it. For example, I really hate it when I go to a club and some random guys try to get my number. Seriously, hooking up in a bar or a club is just not my thing. I go there for the sake of being among people. However, I never have the guts to tell them to get the fuck out of my face. I always end up giving out my number unwilling and hope that they never call. Fortunately, most of them don't, but when some of them do, I always have to come up an excuse to avoid talking or meeting them. What a nuisance!

I guess this is it. I'll have to come up with a way to spice up my life a bit, and I'll need some where I can rant and say bad things about people that I can't say it out loud in my daily life. I don't think I can be bad or will ever be. I'm just a wannabe. That's probably the fun of it.

Be Right Back

Ok, I know I've neglected this blog for months, but I'll try to post something up again. Man! My life is so busy right now.

Rules During World Cup: Men vs. Women

I know, I know the World Cup is now over with the victory of Spain (Yow!!!!!) and the glory of Paul the Octopus (Luv ya, baby!) However, I would just like to write something a bit relating to the occasion.

While the World Cup was still going on a a few weeks ago, my friend forwarded a funny e-mail about "Rules for Women During World Cup". It goes:

★ Rules For Women During The World Cup!★


1) If i catch you saying Cristiano Ronaldo is hot, you will automaticaly get a smack on the chin.

2) During the World Cup the television is mine. At all times without any exceptions. Eastenders, Hollyoaks and Corrie can all get to Fuck. Go keep the bed warm for me.

3) I will most likely have a coupon or a bet on. So if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, Don't dare say:
It's only a game
Get over it
They will win next time.
This will only result in a break up or a divorce.

4) Most importantly, making love is out of the question during the entire month. Except from in between matches. If i fall asleep and miss a match.. this will lead to again a divorce or a break up.

5) The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them already. I want to see them again.

6) Make sure you are taking note.

7) Tell your friends NOT to have any parties or gatherings that will require my attendance.
a) I will cuss at you.
b) You will sleep on the sofa.
c) I just will not go

8) However, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Saturday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

9) The World Cup is not a cheesy excuse for us to spend time together. You are welcome to watch one game with me, only one game and you must keep silent during it. except from half time and during commercials

10) Men are immune to the words "Thank god the world cup is only every 4 years"
After The World Cup comes the:
Champions league
Euro 2012 qualifying
and all the domestic leagues.

11) During The World Cup you can have the remote between 12am and 6am.

12) The Referee is always a wanker.

13) If you here me scream your name be ready to:
Grab me a drink.
Grab me a snack.
Get me new batteries for the remote.

You will not be needed for anything else.

14) During the game I will not be able to hear or see you.
Your job is to make sure there is some beer in the fridge.

15) Another Rule is to look at the girl in the picture. Try to be more like her. (attached a picture of a sexy woman)

16) Don't ask what the offside rule is. This will result in anther smack on the chin and also another for not being in the room keeping the bed warm.


Now, this is what Plain Jane has to say to whoever made up the rules:

★What Men Should Realize During World Cup★

1. I don't care much about a game where 22 men playing with a ball, but Damn! Cristiano Ronaldo is HOT! If you dare smack me. I'll smack you back with a remote.

2. The television isn't Yours. The game isn't on the whole day. Have some consideration.

3. Even if you have a coupon or a bet on, I'll still say:
"Get over it"
"They'll win next time"
It's not my fault that your team lose, and I pity you for losing money in such a silly way. If you want to break up, fine! My life is better off without a man who's into gambling anyway.

4. Making love is not out of the question. You are just incapable of multi-tasking unlike women. But don't worry, I have secret lovers to satisfy my need ;)

5. I don't give a damn about the replays. Wait...was that Ronaldo? Damn! He's HOT!

6. Make sure you take note. Sorry, I forgot you suck at multi-tasking. Just keep reading then.

7. I don't recall that any of my friend ever had any party or gathering that required your attendance. If it happens, I'll make sure to take someone else.

8. If your friends invite us, feel free to go alone. I'd rather do my own thing than hanging around football freaks.

9. The World Cup is not a cheesy excuse for us to spend time together. Agree! I don't want to spend time with a boyfriend who get jealous when I say Cristiano Ronaldo is hot anyway.

10. "Thank GOD the World Cup is on every 4 years" A little less madness I have to deal with.

11. .....Seriously, you sound like a dictator.

12. I don't care to know who's a wanker. However, you are becoming one.

13. If you scream my name and I don't respond, please realize that:
I'm not your slave
I'm not there to answer you
You're a jerk.

14. I won't get your beers from the store, so make sure you stock them in advance. Remember: I'M NOT YOUR SLAVE

15. If I look more like a girl in that picture, why would I even waste my time with you? However, I would try if you try to be more like this guy. (attached a picture of Critiano Ronaldo in nothing but boxers)

16. Really, if you don't even have the patience to explain the simple rule such as offside and treathen to smack me if I ask, you are just a low-life douchbag who doesn't know how to treat women. Please pack your belongings and get out of my life right now. I don't need you to make my life worse.

Yep, I shared this with some other people, and we had a good laugh. My friend who gave me the male article even shared it with her British boyfriend, and he found it amusing. Hey, thanks. I do have some good wit and humor from time to time ^-^