Almost Had It

I have a confession to make: after partying hard on Halloween, I skipped work on Friday to catch up some sleep. Not shocking? Okay...whatever then. For me, this is a big step as I never skipped work because of partying before. This means I just chose pleasure over responsibility. It is not good. Wait...I'm trying to be bad, aren't I? Maybe, I could call this a progress?

Another confession: I blew my chance of getting laid with a cute guy. At this point, my pride is hurt, my self-confidence plunged, and all I want to do is locking myself in my room for a week. I bet this get you interested a bit now, right? This actually happened weeks ago, but I still feel a bit traumatized. I've never been good at dealing with rejection. Especially, ones that I gather courage to make a bold move.

So, several weeks ago, I met a cute European guy. Christopher or Chris is the name. We met randomly at a business party of my friend, Edward who is one of a few friends still living in Bangkok. Edward and I don't really know each other well. I think the only reason he knows who I am because I used to have casual relationship with his close friend (I shall name him later at a more appropriate time) Chris and I happened to sit at the same table across each other. Since I didn't really know anybody there other than Edward, I just greeted everyone and try to be as friendly as possible. We ended up having a long talk and it turned out that he just moved to Bangkok. He didn't really know Edward but was invited by one of his acquaintances. He came with a friend, Lisa who just moved here also. The three of us seemed to get along pretty well, so we exchanged contacts before I left.

Since then, I was invited to hang out with him and other people we knew (he later got along really well with Emilie and Charlotte.) He was just a typical European guy who seemed pretty friendly and laid-back. I kinda liked him. I thought he was kind cute and stuff. There was nothing special going on between us until one typical Saturday morning 5 am, after I danced so much that my back sore and my feet hurt. We were the last two survivors of the clan, stepping out of the club.

"So you're going home, right?" I asked.
"Probably," he said, "How about you?"
"Yeah, I'm going home. I can't go on like this anymore. My feet are killing me."

We walked to the main street, hoping to get cabs that wouldn't overcharge us, but 5 am. in Bangkok, in front of a club? It was like asking for God's miracle. Chris seemed a bit uneasy. It was like he wanted to say something. I gave him a curious look.

"Are you okay?"
"Well...," he said, "I've actually been wanted to do this." He, then, pulled me close to him and kissed me.

To be honest, I wasn't surprised, nor was I expecting this. I liked him and was a bit too drunk and too tired to care. I kissed him back and enjoyed it. However, the moment was cut short as those annoying taxi drivers kept interrupting us, wanting to know where we wanted to go. Seriously, these people had no manner. If I wanted to use your service, I would tell you. Damn it!

Chris tried to continue the kiss, but I felt too awkward now that a couple dumpass taxi drivers were only a meter behind us, still asking, "Taxi? Where you want to go?"

Chris held my face and asked, "Do you want to come with me?"
Damn. A tough question. Did I want to go? Of course. I would be lying if I said otherwise. I could totally feel it "down there."
But...I had to bite my tongue and told him, "Erm...I would love to, but I can't"
He grabbed my waist and pulled me close. I could hear him breathe in my ear. "Come on, are you sure?"
Heck, if this were to happen 2 years before, I would be have been memorized and naked in his bed in a flash. No, not this time though. I was tired. I was drunk. and I was sleepy. If I went with him, I would end up having a crappy sex. Really, what was the point?.
"No," I said, "I'm tired and I'm sleepy."
I could see a flash of annoyance in his face. "Okay. It either felt good or it didn't. Are you really sure you don't want to come home with me?"
God...I began to feel a bit guilty. Well, a girl had to do what she had to do. "It felt good, but I can't go with you this time"
"All right," he said, kissing my cheek. "Have a good night then"

Then, we went seperate way. Something told me that he wouldn't ask again, and I was right. Since that day, Chris kept his distance from me. We would still meet among other people, but he wasn't as warm and friendly as he used to be.

Some men just can't deal with rejection. You know what I mean, right? Well, it wasn't actually a rejection. I did imply that I was interested. If he asks me another time, I would go with him. It's unfortunate that he doesn't want to give himself a second chance.

This incident brings up the question that I long forgot: "Aren't I worth it?" Really, is it too much to show some effort? Oh well, I guess my loveless and sexless life continues.